Are you the slowest typist ever? Also what kind of computer is that?

No, I type at a normal speed. I was holding my phone in one hand because I didn’t really think it through before I started playing the game. Do you know how hard it is to find a female in that game quickly? Most of them are random encounters.

My computer is an Acer C720 Chromebook.

Edit: This is in reference to this video. Also for the record, the weird noise is my cat snoring.

Santa Vs. The Doctor

A bit of background: I’m participating in a Secret Santa thing with fellow writers from Cracked.com’s writer’s workshop. My victim recipient was a person I don’t really know, but she likes Doctor Who. I know almost nothing about Doctor Who. So I wrote this.

——————

“Look!” said The Doctor’s latest companion, yet another white British lady, “It’s Santa!”

“Santa? That son of a bitch,” said The Doctor.

Gently setting the TARDIS down into a snowbank, he emerged and confronted Kris Kringle, the fat red bastard.

“Travelling around the world in one night. Infinite space for toys. That’s no normal sleigh. You stole that technology from my people.”

“Ho ho ho! Eat a dick, you endangered asshole. I have a job to do and every year you get in my way. This time, it ends.” Santa pulled a katana from its sheath behind his back.

“Let this be our final battle,” The Doctor agreed. He reached for his sonic screwdriver.

They charged at each other, feet pounding the hard packed snow. The raised their weapons overhead and let fly a massive battle cry that shook frost from the trees.

Santa swung first, bringing down the katana in a wide arc. Santa was fat and slow. The Doctor dodged it easily, kicking him to knock him off balance. Santa’s ass sent up a puff of snow as it hit the ground. The katana flew from his grip and The Doctor kicked it out of his reach.

“You will return the technology you stole from the Time Lords.”

“Never.”

“Then you will die.”

“Do you know what’s happening on your planet right now? The elves. They know when I’m in danger. And they retaliate.”

“You’re lying!”

“No, Doctor. You’ve been very naughty this year.”

The Doctor snapped up Santa’s katana and held it to his neck, immediately drawing blood.

“Stop,” a voice rang out from the trees. “He’s mine.”

“Krampus?” Santa said, weakly. “I always knew it would end this way.”

Krampus stepped out of the trees. His cloven hooves made goat-like footprints in the snow. “Go, Time Lord. I will end this. For the both of us.” He drew an enormous broadsword from its sheath.

The Doctor threw the katana down. “Damn it. Fine. Make it right by me and my people.” He sprinted back to the TARDIS and started it up. “… Did you just beat the shit out of Santa?” White British Lady asked.

Santa got up on one knee. “Krampus,” he said, “Is this really how you wish to end it?”

“Of course not. Pick up your sword. We will settle this in the old way.”

Santa reached for his katana. Krampus took a step back, but it wasn’t enough. Santa lunged forward with his sword, piercing Krampus’s belly.

“You… coward.” Krampus fell to his knees. Santa stood to his full height. He pulled his katana over his shoulder… and let it fly. Krampus’s head bounced twice in the snow and stopped, pooling blood into the white beneath it.

Santa, panting heavily, walked to his sleigh, returning his katana to its home.

“Gallifrey. Take me to Gallifrey,” he said between breaths.


THE END?

(FM = offbrandmusic, anjldust = me)

11:10 PM – FM: [my cousin Ethan] just quoted Home Alone at me
11:11 PM – anjldust: tell him he’s a filthy animal
11:11 PM – FM: he said “BUZZ YOUR DOWNLOAD, WOOF”
11:13 PM – anjldust: man, Buzz doesn’t have to put up with that shit from a punk bitch like Kevin
11:13 PM – FM: lol
11:13 PM – anjldust: all he has to do is sic that monster spider on him, give him a swirlie, and call it a day
11:14 PM – FM: go eat a snack and look at some porn while he calls his girlfriend
11:14 PM – anjldust: he does have porn
11:14 PM – anjldust: and a girlfriend
11:14 PM – anjldust: what’s Kevin got? his ass left behind
11:14 PM – anjldust: and frankly, I bet Buzz’s girlfriend fucks
11:14 PM – FM: lol
11:15 PM – anjldust: I mean look at her
11:14 PM – FM: probably
11:14 PM – FM: a stud like him?
11:15 PM – anjldust: Buzz is the true hero of Home Alone
11:16 PM – FM: he knew what Kevin needed…a couple of days in the real world
11:20 PM – anjldust: what he needed was a punch in the arm and a good noogie

hey mate! reading your word records book and it’s awesome! would there be a word records book 2?

Probably not, since I covered so much in the first one. Any kind of sequel would most likely just have a lot of less interesting stuff.

I am working on another book with the same publisher, though. It’ll be more comedy nonfiction, so it will at least be similar in that regard. The subject matter, however, will be different.

I’m kinda bugged by people saying Dylan Farrow is trying to tank Woody Allen’s chances at an Oscar. First of all, that is a stupid thing to care about. Woody Allen’s not going to crumple up and die without another Oscar. If you think that’s at all important here, you are stupid.

The main reason it bugs me, though, is that Dylan, Ronan, and Mia Farrow didn’t really make a big deal about it, other than angry Twitter comments. They’ve been making comments about Woody Allen for years. He hurt them all emotionally (even if the allegations against him are totally untrue, he did a lot of other emotionally painful things), so that’s totally understandable. Pretty much any time Woody Allen is in the news, the Farrows take him down a notch or two. It happens, and I suspect many people wouldn’t blame them. Woody Allen is a pretty notorious asshole.

What made it blow up is that the public latched onto their comments and it, essentially, went viral on its own. The Farrows weren’t staging some sort of campaign against him. Mia and Ronan made a few posts about it, and only Ronan called his father out directly. Even that was kind of as a joke.

No, what caused it to become big news is people looked at that and said, “Hey, yeah, what about that?” because every few years we forget about how shitty celebrities can be as people. Remember that time Vince Neil killed someone*, or that Dr. Dre, Sean Penn, and Rick James are each guilty of beating women?

If people hadn’t responded to the original tweets with a collective “Oh, hey, we forgot that Woody Allen is maybe a child molester” then it wouldn’t have made anything more than a slight murmur.

People wanted to hear about it, though. It’s actually kind of good journalism, giving the people what they want, albeit in a tabloid-y kind of way (not that there’s much difference between tabloids and traditional journalism these days).

The Farrows keep talking to the press about it because the press keeps asking them about it. They’re not trying to make it a big deal, this is just the first time in twenty years that anyone’s given much of a shit.

*Actually, a lot of celebrities have killed people. Some on purpose.