A bit of background: I’m participating in a Secret Santa thing with fellow writers from Cracked.com’s writer’s workshop. My
victim recipient was a person I don’t really know, but she likes Doctor Who. I know almost nothing about Doctor Who. So I wrote this.
“Look!” said The Doctor’s latest companion, yet another white British lady, “It’s Santa!”
“Santa? That son of a bitch,” said The Doctor.
Gently setting the TARDIS down into a snowbank, he emerged and confronted Kris Kringle, the fat red bastard.
“Travelling around the world in one night. Infinite space for toys. That’s no normal sleigh. You stole that technology from my people.”
“Ho ho ho! Eat a dick, you endangered asshole. I have a job to do and every year you get in my way. This time, it ends.” Santa pulled a katana from its sheath behind his back.
“Let this be our final battle,” The Doctor agreed. He reached for his sonic screwdriver.
They charged at each other, feet pounding the hard packed snow. The raised their weapons overhead and let fly a massive battle cry that shook frost from the trees.
Santa swung first, bringing down the katana in a wide arc. Santa was fat and slow. The Doctor dodged it easily, kicking him to knock him off balance. Santa’s ass sent up a puff of snow as it hit the ground. The katana flew from his grip and The Doctor kicked it out of his reach.
“You will return the technology you stole from the Time Lords.”
“Then you will die.”
“Do you know what’s happening on your planet right now? The elves. They know when I’m in danger. And they retaliate.”
“No, Doctor. You’ve been very naughty this year.”
The Doctor snapped up Santa’s katana and held it to his neck, immediately drawing blood.
“Stop,” a voice rang out from the trees. “He’s mine.”
“Krampus?” Santa said, weakly. “I always knew it would end this way.”
Krampus stepped out of the trees. His cloven hooves made goat-like footprints in the snow. “Go, Time Lord. I will end this. For the both of us.” He drew an enormous broadsword from its sheath.
The Doctor threw the katana down. “Damn it. Fine. Make it right by me and my people.” He sprinted back to the TARDIS and started it up. “… Did you just beat the shit out of Santa?” White British Lady asked.
Santa got up on one knee. “Krampus,” he said, “Is this really how you wish to end it?”
“Of course not. Pick up your sword. We will settle this in the old way.”
Santa reached for his katana. Krampus took a step back, but it wasn’t enough. Santa lunged forward with his sword, piercing Krampus’s belly.
“You… coward.” Krampus fell to his knees. Santa stood to his full height. He pulled his katana over his shoulder… and let it fly. Krampus’s head bounced twice in the snow and stopped, pooling blood into the white beneath it.
Santa, panting heavily, walked to his sleigh, returning his katana to its home.
“Gallifrey. Take me to Gallifrey,” he said between breaths.