Chinese Company Will Turn You Into a Monster for Less Than $300

How would you like your soulless, dead-eyed face to be poorly rendered into knockoffs of popular movies? Well, a Chinese company called Xu You Ji can make it happen. For the equivalent of about $275 USD, you can be the star of any number of ripoffs of blockbuster films. You even get to dub your own lines! It’s like the ARK Music Factory of voice acting!

Let’s see how not at all terrifying this is.

“I no longer feel pain. Or anything. This is acceptable to me.”

“Let’s play ‘Who has the blackest emptiness where their soul used to be!’”

“At first I wanted this to stop. Now I want it to never end.”

“The voices of the dead call once again. I must heed them.”

Did I say not at all terrifying? I meant “soul-wrenchingly”. Not that this has put me off my similar service, wherein I will render your genitals and make any kind of movie you like with them. Any kind at all. (Actually, I just replace the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park with them.)