The Horrifying Chicken Farm of the Future


Edit – Oh hey, this isn’t an April Fool’s post. This is a real thing (as real as a weird chicken farm that exists only as a concept gets, anyway). The news article it’s based on is from a couple of weeks ago. This is just yet another piece that didn’t make it on Cracked’s new project.

Most chickens no longer get to wander around Farmer Brown’s yard and chat with all the other chickens. They’re born and raised in factory farms in tiny cages and it’s actually pretty sad and creepy, but Chicken McNuggets and buffalo wings are way delicious, so you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. We need more and more chickens to satiate our collective desire for KFC, but it’s hard to find enough space.

Luckily, a Royal College of Art student and architect of the future named André Ford has a solution: Vertical chicken farms. It’s simple– you just place chickens inside tiny, form fitting molds and stack them to the heavens like Gods, where mere mortals can but look upon them and weep.

To save even more time and space, Ford also recommends intubating them for food/poop, as well as cutting off the chickens’ feet, since we don’t eat those anyway and they’ll just have to be removed later. And to get around the whole “insane, barbaric cruelty” issue, we just lobotomize them from birth. Now they don’t even know what the fuck’s going on! Hooray!

Not only that, but Ford also feels like referring them to “animals” would probably be a bit much at that point, and posits simply calling them “meat” instead. Yep, okay, I’m with you on that. In fact, why don’t we stop calling it “farming” at that point as well and just call it “flesh harvesting” instead? That sounds much more appropriate.