Tomorrow, NASA is holding a press-conference about extraterrestrial life. It’s widely speculated that they may announce that they’ve found life on Saturn’s largest moon, Titan.
This may be the biggest announcement in human history, when you think about it. We’ve found aliens. Sort of, anyway.
Welcome to Earf.
They’re not like, aliens aliens. They’re more like primordial bacteria that consumes arsenic, which is great if they’re married to a film noir black widow who wants their insurance money. Unless she pushes them down the stairs, I guess, but that’s not important.
What’s important is that 2010 really IS the year we made contact.
“My God… It’s full of giant babies.”
So, we’ll find out some of the most important information we’ve ever received as humans, that we’re not alone in this vast expanse, that we’re not special, and we’re going to hear it on a Thursday. People don’t even like Thursdays. Come on, NASA. Did you guys seriously not consider some sort of all-out Alien Weekend press bonanza? Get MTV involved, make it like a second spring break.
Then we get to the big question: Will we interfere? Will we try to meddle in these creatures’ existence, try to help them along, give them the push they need to eventually become sapient creatures? Will we become Gods? Are we the ancient astronauts in this?
Can a guy in a Charlie the Tuna suit be their Oannes?
It’s certainly a curious situation for us. We expected to find creatures far advanced to us. Instead, we find we’re far advanced to something else. Even if we decide not to interfere, and we watch from afar, how long do we keep that up? When do we become the aliens and mess with their rednecks? What if they start to die out? Do we save them? Do we develop some way to protect their existence, or do we sit back and watch them go extinct?
Would someone do that for us?
On a probably unrelated note, these billboards started popping up here in Nashville:
“We use math to find a date, we announce it, what could possibly go wrong?”
I love the implication that they, too, are Wise Men for figuring this out. I also love that even our local news is pointing out that this shit never works. They’re even using the Day-Year Principle, for fuck’s sake! Assuming history repeats itself, we might get a Great Disappointment 2, or maybe it’s just a gritty reboot, starring Sam Worthington as William Miller. Won’t this be great?
A few more things before we’re done, I wanted to say thank you for all the encouraging messages I’ve been sent about continuing the blog. You guys have outnumbered the Glenn Beck weirdos now, and that’s a bit of a relief.
I’ve got some more stuff coming on Cracked.com soon, and I’ll post about those as soon as they happen. I will be posting more essays here, too, eventually, although they’ll probably be different from what they were before. Instead of purely informative, I’m thinking of a more analytical approach, deconstructing some of the ideas and implications of these things. It should be fun. I’ll probably be doing more posts like this, too, discussing weird shit I find in the news. I hope you’ll enjoy both.