Common knowledge states that only dumb, toothless rednecks see UFOs, typically after a milk jug full of whiskey and/or a few puffs of meth. That’s the stereotype, right? Some hillbilly talking about how he saw a bright light and then it went away, and the next morning he found his cows fucked to death by some mad, cow-fucking aliens.
How udder-ly depraved.
Or the new-age crazy bastards who say the aliens abducted them, stuck shit in them, and made them fuck cows to death. Those people always seem like wackos, right? But what if there was a UFO sighting involving multiple civilian witnesses in several areas, as well as military personnel on the ground and in the air? That’s a bit more interesting. And what if it happened in Tehran, Iran?
“What if Iran is just fucking with us, though? They kinda don’t like us.” Well, in 1976, the Iranian Revolution hadn’t occurred yet and the Shah was still in power, so our relationship with them back then was actually quite good. (The Shah was very pro-Western. The folks who didn’t like his ideas are the ones who overthrew him in 1979 and are in charge now.) They shared quite a lot of intelligence with us, including the 1976 Tehran info.
According to reports made at the time, the event occurred around 3:00am Tehran time on September 19, 1976. An Imperial Iranian Air Force base near the city received four phone calls within a matter of minutes about an odd light in the sky, described as being like a helicopter. Seeing no helicopters were scheduled to be in the sky at the time, they contacted the assistant deputy commander of operations, General Yousefi. Yousefi first assumed that the light was nothing but a very bright star, but upon taking a look outside himself, saw an object far larger than any star he’d ever seen, and ordered a pilot to go up and take a look.
“Anyone wanna go see what that is?” “Fuck no.”
The pilot, Captain Mohammad Reza Azizkhani, approached the light, but his navigation, communication, and electrical systems began to go haywire. He turned back toward the base, at which time his instruments returned to normal function. He set down his plane anyway, fearing some failure that could potentially make him crash. Ten minutes later, the base sent a second plane. That second plane, piloted by Lieutenant Parviz Jafari, got close enough to acquire radar lock. As he got closer, however, the object moved further and further away. Jafari later said that the object had four lights that flashed red, green, blue, and orange in a sequence, but so quickly that all four were visible at all times.
“Have Jeff Goldblum stand down. Looks like these boys are running Windows.”
While following the object, a second, smaller object seemed to fall from the original. Jafari, thinking he was under attack, attempted to fire a missile, but his weapons, communications, and other instrumentation immediately shut down. (That’s right, see a UFO, shoot at it.) He then tried to eject, but even that malfunctioned. Finally, out of options, Jafari initiated a nose dive. The secondary object followed him briefly, then returned to the larger object. His electrical and weapons systems came back online afterward. He pulled out of the dive and turned back toward the object. He then saw yet another smaller object come off the other side of the UFO, which immediately dropped gently to the ground. Jafari later said that it was bright enough to see the individual rocks on the ground around it. He tried to follow the main object for a time, but even at Mach 2, it was easily far faster.
Jafari turned back to base and saw another bright light overflying his position. The UFO appeared to be following him. He reported it to the control tower at the base, but nothing showed on radar. However, technicians were easily able to see out the window and observe it themselves. They described it as cylinder shaped, and about the size of a bus. A civilian flight passing through the area also reported electrical failures and loss of communication.
Meanwhile, in the South Pacific…
Shortly after Jafari landed, the UFO flew over the base’s control tower, knocking out all power until it finally disappeared. Most of the rest of the base was unaffected. The following day, military officials visited the spot where the tertiary object touched down, but found no sign of it. Several radiological and other tests were done, but these results were not made public. They did discover, though, that an extremely similar object, presumably the same one, had been seen by an Egyptian Air Force pilot over the Mediterranean Sea about half an hour later, again over Lisbon, Portugal by a KLM Royal Dutch flight crew and passengers an hour later, and, finally, four hours later, in Morocco by local police and American embassy officials. In addition, the American DSP-1 Satellite detected an unexplained infrared phenomenon over Iran for about a half an hour during the incident. The cause of that anomaly is still unknown.
After their investigation concluded, the Iranian government decided it might be best to let the U.S. look at the intel on it. After all, this kinda thing was rumored to happen there all the time, right? The U.S. military sent some officers over who looked at the evidence, did a couple of interviews, and prepared a four-page report detailing the information given to them by the Iranian Imperial Air Force, then took it back home and showed it around a bit. The White House, CIA, NSA, Secretary of State, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff all got a look at it. Unfortunately, all the official files from the Iranian government were probably destroyed during the Iranian Revolution and are now lost.
“Oopsy. My bad.”
All the parties involved still swear to what they saw that night, and so far no inconsistencies have turned up in their testimony. Lt. Jafari, who is now a retired General, has repeatedly called for further investigations into UFO phenomena. To this day, the Tehran UFO Incident remains one of the best documented and most puzzling UFO encounters. Skeptics have come forward with a few theories, but most are little more than “everyone is lying/stupid”, which is always a possibility, but you can use that to win any debate.
I’m just sayin’.
Wikipedia (At least you don’t have to worry about shitty cow puns there.)
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